My Dreams Don't Belong To Me
by honestlydarkprincess
Summary: Octavia dreams about what could have been. How would her life, the life of her friends and her brother, have been different if this wasn't the world they lived in? If they lived in a world of living, not one of surviving? - Canon Divergence.


**Heyo!**

 **So, I was scrolling through my playlist and I found the song 'Cloud' by Elias. It's the song that was playing when Lincoln was killed (I clicked on the wrong video on youtube, watched his death scene, and sobbed my heart out). It got me thinking about Octavia and then I remembered something my best friend had asked me a couple days ago about characters who could have been something or had something if the circumstances were different, and bam, this fic happened.**

 **I know that it's canon divergence but I wasn't sure what kind of AU to classify it as? Oh, well. So, for this fic, in my mind, she took off after Lincoln died, which means she didn't beat Bellamy up (I also saw that scene, and shit my heart just died).**

 **This is basically a story of 'what if's' and I made myself cry.**

 **I hope you like it!**

 **Warning: This is a sad fic. It discusses character death (Lincoln's) and has what some might find graphic descriptions of violence.**

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Octavia was running- running as fast as she could; faster than she ever had before.

She had to get away, far away. She wanted to leave everything behind because there was nothing left for her there. The forest blurred around her and she couldn't breathe.

Lincoln was dead. She'd seen it, actually witnessed the moment Pike had pulled the trigger and ended the life of the man she loved dearly. He may have been far away but the wind had carried his last words to her.

 _May we meet again,_ he'd said. Words she had hoped she'd never hear from his lips.

He was gone.

 _The sound of water splashing as they forced him to kneel in dirty water in front of them, the way he had kept his head held high, the agonizing pain that ripped through her chest at the sight of parts of his brain leaving his body, the sight of his blood pooling beneath his head, staining the already dirty water a murky red._

The sounds and images crashed into her, making her stumble and trip. She fell to the forest floor, landing harshly on her hands and knees. Pain bloomed in her hands but no physical pain could ever compare to the pure agony that was ripping her heart to shreds. Absently, she registered that her hands were bloody and covered in dirt. But she didn't care. How could she? Lincoln was gone. One of the only things in this wretched world that made her happy was gone.

He was _gone_.

Octavia took a deep, shuddering breath, ignoring the tears that stained her dirty cheeks. She let out a gut-wrenching scream that sent the forest creatures scrambling to get away and she continued to scream until her throat was raw and pure exhausted sent her tumbling to the ground again.

This time, she didn't get up. She rolled onto her back, not caring about the way this made her already dirty body even dirtier. Her breathing slowed and she blinked away the fresh tears in her eyes. She realized that from her position laying on the forest floor that she could see the sky clearly.

Lincoln had loved the sky. Once, they had sprawled out on the ground- like she was now- and watched the stars. He had pointed out constellations to her, reminding her of her brother, who had told her bedtime stories of the constellations and their histories.

Pain seared in her chest as Bellamy flashed through her mind. Things between them had gotten to messed up and Octavia didn't know if it could be fixed. There was so much anger, so much pain, between them. They'd both said and done things they shouldn't have.

Octavia felt another wave of tears burn her eyes and she let out a choked sob. She missed her brother, so fucking much. She needed him and she wanted him to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. She wanted her brother back. She wanted Lincoln back.

She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut as more tears tried to escape, as a pang of longing hit her so hard she stopped breathing for a moment. As she regained her breath- she thought of what could have been.

Things could have been different in this life, yes, but Octavia found herself imagining herself in a different world- one away from all this pain and suffering. A world in which maybe Lincoln and her and met in college or at a bar. She imagined herself flirting with him, laughing to herself at the way such a large, intimidating-looking man was so adorably shy and quiet. She thought of their first date, how she'd wonder if he was going to kiss her or not. She imagined the way he would kiss her so sweetly, without the taste of blood or tears.

She imagined the way their relationship would develop. She thought of the way he could have looked so peaceful, so content, in the early hours of the morning, still half asleep. She imagined the warm weight of a ring on her left hand, of the large smile on his face and in his eyes as she said yes- because of course, she'd say yes.

Her heart stuttered in her chest at the thought of her belly swollen with his child, his big hands rubbing her stomach in soothing, loving circles; the awe in his eyes at the thought of a person half him, half her. She thought of the tears in his eyes as he looked at his child for the first time- born into a world full of love and second chances, a world where one could live, instead of just survive. She thought of the sound of her baby's first cry, and it's warm, solid weight against her chest as she brought it close.

Tears were now running rivers down her cheeks and her chest was on fire- she wanted that future so badly it physically hurt. She wanted all of that- and she wanted it for her brother too.

In the world she'd created in her mind, her brother could finally be happy. In that world, their mother had been a good mother. In that world, Bellamy had had a childhood and had been able to live his own life, grow to be who she knew he could become without the weight of the world weighing on his shoulders.

Maybe he could have been a teacher. He loved history and mythology- and he had a way of speaking that drew people in and made them want to listen. Bellamy was so smart and he cared so damn much, she had no doubt that he'd find success in whatever career he may have chosen.

And in this world, she imagined that her brother and Clarke could have had their chance, just like her and Lincoln. Octavia was well aware of the connection, the possibility of something _more_ , between Clarke and her brother. And for a while, she thought that maybe they actually might have been able to act on it, but then life on Earth had seen to it that that could never, ever happen.

Words were spoken, decisions were made, and actions were taken that had slowly torn apart their possibility, their chance, until it was a mere whisper of a thought.

The world she was creating was so much better than the one she lived in. It was a world where Monty and Miller could have taken their chance too. It was one where Jasper hadn't learned to cope with his trauma by slowly drinking himself to death. It was one where Raven could let her engineering genius run freely and one where she didn't wake every day already in pain.

A world of being surrounded by friends and family, of life and opportunities.

A world that she never could never be hers.

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 **I hope you liked it! If you have the time, I would love to hear what you thought! I wrote this pretty much on a whim so hopefully, it's not terrible, lol.**

 **Anyway, thanks for reading!**


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